Just a List of Actual CNN Headlines from Monday, June 5, 2017

Years from now, when I’m old and alone, with nothing but my memories to comfort me, I’ll probably remember 2017 as the year I installed the CNN news app on my phone.

It’s been a pretty unremarkable year otherwise, imo.

12 Reasons Why I Didn’t Pee

And they’re all perfectly valid.

29 Rejected Kimye Baby Names

I feel a certain kinship with Kim Kardashian West, because we’ve always been pregnant at the same time. While she beat me to the delivery room by about five months this time around, we were due within about a week of each other back in 2013.

And we both suffered from preeclampsia with our first pregnancies. I actually diagnosed her from my couch, where I was already on doctor-ordered bedrest, after spotting a paparazzi photo of her feet that revealed a scorching case of edema. (By that time, my own personal footwear collection had been effectively reduced to “house slippers” and, for my twice-weekly trips to the doctor, “fancy goin’-out slippers.”)

But while Kim and I are forever bonded by our similarly timed pregnancies and mutual dislike for the gestational phase, I completely lack her confidence and élan when it comes to baby names. I mean, North West? Saint West? I just couldn’t! I’d feel too self-conscious.

21 Wildly Controversial Statements

And I mean every word of them.

3 Things I Have to Give Gwyneth Paltrow Credit For

Shortly after I launched this blog — and yes, “launch” is probably too grandiose there — I wrote a post criticizing some tone-deaf comments by Gwyneth Paltrow about the difficulties she faces as a tremendously wealthy parent. The post was picked up by Freshly Pressed, which generated the most traffic I have ever had to my tiny weird blog, and which gave me an overly optimistic outlook on the prospects for my tiny weird blog. (If anyone has written up a six-figure book deal offer for me, but is saving it in their Drafts folder because it feels “too forward” to send it, know that I have been eagerly awaiting your message every day for the last 15 months.)

Anyway, my point is that I kind of owe Gwyneth Paltrow one, for making me the blogging semi-success that I am today. And by “semi-success,” I mean “blogging has not yet caused bad things to happen in my life, at least not in a direct way that I can easily track.” Not, like, “my aspirational newsletter has expanded into a full-fledged lifestyle brand with an editorial headquarters located in a barn on my Los Angeles property.”

Also, let’s be real — there’s no pride in taking potshots at Gwyneth. The phrase that comes to mind is “low-hanging fruit,” unless you prefer “fish in a barrel,” or perhaps even the super-classy “target-rich environment.” Instead, I find it nobler to give Gwyneth credit where credit is due — not just for launching (oops, sorry, there’s that word again) my blogging hobby, but ALSO for these three other random things I came up with after hours of  exhaustive, exhausting research.

How to Stop Breastfeeding a 2-Year-Old in Just 48 Steps

First, of course, you need to be breastfeeding a 2-year-old. Hang in there; this might take a minute…

Can These 17 People Live?!?

This is a list of people whispering plaintively into the nothingness of the universe, “Can I live?!?”

And it’s a simple enough request, sure. But will we — the Internet-based hive mind of U.S. society, whose thirst and appetite for human blood has become as insatiable as Audrey II‘s — let them?

Probably not.

13 Feminist Celebrities, Judged

1. Emma Watson

Occupation: Inventor of feminism

Relevant Quote: “Chivalry should be consensual.”

Credibility Level: Hufflepuff

2. Tina Fey

Occupation: Relatable working mom

Relevant Quote: “People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.”

Credibility Level: Ugh mom you are soooooo second-wave sometimes.

7 Animals That Are Total Assholes

1. Geese. I see geese walking slowly across intersections all the time. Just meandering diagonally across a busy, multi-lane road at rush hour, like they’re out for a stroll in the goddamn country. Diagonally. And it’s never one goose; it’s always about twelve of them together. Like a flash mob, but for sauntering. Hey, assholes — USE YOUR WINGS.

19 Lies I’ve Told Myself

1.  Yeah, these pants still fit.

2.  Probably no one else can smell me right now.

3.  I’ll take care of that later.

4.  I’m smart enough to figure this out.

5.  Symmetrical eyebrows aren’t everything.